by Sarah Joy Albrecht | May 14th, 2007
…what should I do?
Recently, someone asked me this question. Her husband’s hours at work changed and he was home less. With some of his free time, he had chosen to play softball for the summer instead of spend this time with her and her family. It hurt.
I thought I’d post my reply and a few added thoughts here. I think this scenario is one that many of us wives face.
Wanting our husbands home to spend time with us and our family is an admirable goal. The problem is when we elevate this request to the level of a demand and it becomes an idol of our hearts.
In response to loneliness and feelings of abandonment, it’s frightfully easy to withhold love, make ultimatums, spitefully fill up our free time (instead of spending it with our husbands when he’s available at the same time), run our husbands down overtly or by subtle jabs, or to complain about their employer.
As Christians wives, we sometimes even go the “extra mile” in the wrong direction to be critical of how his job related or free time choices are sinful because, after all, he’s not leading the family like he should be. However, our anger does not achieve the righteousness of God ( James 1:20 ).
Ladies, I write these examples of a complaining, critical wife so well because I have done them all. And, I have had to seek forgiveness for all of them, too.
Many of you know that my husband travels frequently – sometimes for weeks at a time. Many of you also know that I have small children at home – so it would seem that I have a “right” to complain or behave this way. Not so.
Does this mean that we can’t talk to our husbands about our concerns? No! But it can be done after prayer, after a heart check, respectfully, and with the willingness to accept that changing our husband’s heart is not up to us. We must be willing to submit to them, even if they do not respond with the answer we think we deserve.
(By the way, I have learned that when I catch myself thinking, “I deserve this” it is a pretty strong indicator that I have made something an idol and that I need to do a heart-check.)
Our natural tendency may be to be respectful to our husbands to his face, but resent him in our hearts. Behind his back, we tell our pastor’s wife, girlfriends, mom, and mother-in-laws how we deserve better – sometimes even in the ::gulp:: name of “please pray for me.”
In the above case, the lady asked about counseling — as in, she wanted her husband to go with her to a counselor over this. While counseling can be a good thing, please remember that the goal of counseling is not to force a person to do something we want them to do – to manipulate or overpower them with the help or blessing of a counselor. If you are considering a counselor, please choose a Christian one who will help you both keep your hearts humble as you work out your marital struggles, and who will always turn to the Bible for wisdom.
What I have learned from the experience of being without my husband is that I love my husband and that I’m thankful that he provides for his family. I am thankful for the job that God has provided to meet the financial needs we have. This is not to say that it is not difficult, and it certainly is not to say that I will never fail again. In fact, if you ever see me complaining here or elsewhere, send me a note to catch me okay?
So… here is an excerpt from my emailed reply:
Pray pray pray over the situation. And, look for opportunities to gently ask your husband pray with you and with your family. “Honey, will you pray right now for ____” OR, a more neutral, “Honey, can you pray for me?” and take his hand and bow your head.
Start by complimenting your husband often, being thankful and thanking him for the time you do have together. What does the Bible say about a nagging wife? Fill your conversations with grace. Breathe grace, sister. This can only come with filling yourself with the Word. Forgiving as you have been forgiven.
Find little ways to shower him with your love (Notes in his lunch, emails, taping a note to the steering wheel of his car, meet him for lunch (go to him!) and get dolled up for him, go to his softball games and cheer for him! (We got pompoms at the dollar store and me and all five little kiddies went to my husband’s soccer games last season!) (I was thankful that it was motivating him to be more fit!)
Ask your husband if there is anything you can do to be a helper to him- a helpmeet is one of our roles as wives. Showing your willingness to do this (really, this is a way to submit to your husband) will show him that it’s not just about you.
Turn contentment issues over to Christ – we are to be content in all circumstances. While you may not have control over your husband, contentment is your choice.
Plan a date-night on your master calendar – so that it’s on his calendar and yours. Do not sit around and bitterly wait for him to make the first move. Be considerate of what he would like to do on a date. Going antique shopping and having a quaint dinner is not cool with my husband. Going to a steakhouse and maybe to a kitchen store are my husband’s favorite activities. Plan it all down to the babysitter.
Broaden your perspective. Respectfully, there are women who rarely see their husbands or who would give anything to just sleep next to their husbands! My husband goes to Japan often – I was once without him for six weeks straight! (While pregnant, with a number of small children at home – not an easy time!) Please consider the ladies whose husbands are soldiers in a war zone – they are just thankful their husbands are alive! Please, be thankful for and look for ways to work with what you already have.
I hope by sharing my heart on this will encourage others who are in this situation or who are ministering to girlfriends who are.
Please feel free to post any added thoughts, resources, comments or questions.
I’m off to pack my husband’s suitcase for his trip tomorrow!
One last tip: If you find yourself packing his travel bags – or even his lunch! – put a love note in there letting him know you can’t wait to kiss him again and that you are praying for his trip – for opportunities to share the gospel with others, that his goals will be completed, that his travel is safe, and that his stress levels will be low!
Much love,
Sarah Joy Albrecht
Photo: “Depressed and Lonely” by Lst1984 via Flickr
