Here’s a snip from a discussion I started on a public message board (over 1,300 members now!). In my post, I had asked for advice on hiring a mother’s helper - how much to pay, what responsibilities should be include, etc.
This was one reply to my question:
I have never used a mothers helper. I would never allow another female into my home around my dh and dc. Unless it was a family member. And there are some family members that I would not trust. I have seen too many movies and heard about too many real life situations about how these things turn out. I try to handle all things related to the dc myself. That is my job since dh works outside the home.
It may be a little hard to get everything done sometimes, but it is better than worrying about if someone else is treating my dc right. I have seen situations where the dc end up liking the mothers helper better than their own mother. No, I could not do it. I would not even trust a teen girl because there is so much going on nowadays and adults being accused of things.
I think my household would go much smoother without letting someone else interfere.
Below is my response. I hope that it will encourage others to think about taking risks vs. potentially isolating themselves from ministry opportunities because of a possible outcome.
(Please feel free to leave a comment as to how you have either grown in the area of reaching beyond your comfort zone or how the Lord has helped you overcome a temptation!)
Dear ——–,
Respectfully, statistically 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by family members. The only family members who are available to watch my children during the day are teenage boys. As much as I love them, and am in no way implying that they are perverted, I don’t feel comfortable with them caring for my baby girls because I know that some of them are at an age where they are very curious about the female body and it could be a temptation to peek. I love them so much I would not want to tempt them in this way.*
Honestly, It was hard for me to read your post. I thought it was kinda hurtful. “I would never” is an absolute statement and could imply that your way is the only way and that those who do otherwise are inferior. Your post also seemed to imply that it was shameful for a wife to seek help in order to keep up with her role-specific job.
When my husband is overseas for weeks on end and I do not have a break, I admittedly fall behind sometimes. In this situation, it seems like I can address the urgent chores and not the deep cleaning stuff. Yet, because of his travel, if I waited until he was home, I would perpetually never get the “deep cleaning” done.
During these time, I do need fellow Christians to encourage me in the Lord and walk along side of me. In the past, I have appreciated when friends have allowed me to borrow their dear Christian daughters to lend a hand with children so I can clean out the linen closet or give an extra effort to scrubbing the grout in the tub without worrying if my children are getting into trouble while I work. I don’t live in a one-roomed house - I can’t physically see them all the time! My 5 children are each about 14 months apart, and are not quite old enough to be self-governed if I need to concentrate on something for an extended period of time. Please consider that having extra help for children keeps them from being tempted to sin just because mommy isn’t looking.
I’m really am happy for you that you are able to manage to take care of “all things related to the dc and myself.” Praise God that he has given you this ability!
Please also consider that there are Christian sisters out there who may be suffering with migraines or physical problems, such as myself, or maybe are under a particular amount of stress - like not seeing their husband for over 40 days! - who could really benefit from your housekeeping and responsibility balancing expertise. I do hope that if you have that opportunity that you will do it with a servants heart, humble, loving and for God’s glory.
May I also suggest that scripture tells us that fellowship with other Christians is a necessary part of our Christian walk. Having a young woman in the home provides fellowship and an opportunity to mentor her, encourage her in the Lord, showing her first hand what a joy it is to be a mommy (how many GOOD examples do teenage girls have these days about motherhood? They are told, “don’t get married or have kids - you’ll never achieve YOUR CAREER!”). We must be careful not to become prideful in our faith and think that we don’t need to allow other Christians to use their gifts and talents on our turf.
It is hard to overcome fears of people interfering or fears of the things “going on nowadays and adults being accused of things.” However, our trust is in the Lord and we must realize that, to effectively minister to people, we are going to have to take risks. Think of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife. Joseph was falsely accused, but we know that IT WAS PART OF GOD’S PLAN for Joseph to minister to Pharaoh. If it hadn’t been for being falsely accused, Joseph would have never been in the position to help his family avoid starvation.
All throughout scripture, we see people stepping outside of their comfort zone and taking risks. Think of the ultimate example we have in Christ. Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners, after all. That was pretty risky! When the Pharisees talked down to Jesus and chastised him for this appearance of evil, Jesus said, “it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick!” What should this tell us about interacting with others? When I read this passage, it gives me courage.
Much love,
SJA
*I would say that we do have to be careful not to purposefully place ourselves or others in a tempting situation.
It probably wouldn’t be smart to leave a teenage girl home alone with a man as a “father’s helper”. And, we must think realistically here, if a woman struggled with lusting after teenage girls it probably wouldn’t be wise for her to hire a young girl as a helper, either. In these exceptions, dropping the children off at a trusted as-needed-daycare provider may be a better solution.
On the other hand, I have hired young men for lawn care when my husband was traveling and I was pregnant and physically unable to do the work. Sometimes there is no avoiding situations like this. Or, more recently, I had to hire someone to fix my boiler. Guess what? Heating and air condition repairs are jobs normally done by men. It’s not like I could say, “I’m sorry, I only let women into my house”. It was 18 degrees out and I needed my boiler fixed!
Wise women know how to deal with other people and treat them in a respectful and platonic way. I did NOT answer the door in a towel, nor did I speak of obscene activities. Duh.
I also made sure that my husband knew the repair company I called and the time the repairman would be at the house. I called my husband as soon as he left - not just to relay the cost of the bill, but to let him know that all went well and that he didn’t have to be concerned about me.
Who knows, maybe a woman reading this is sexually tempted by the repairman. Perhaps she could ask a trusted friend to visit for coffee during that time and keep her accountable so that she wouldn’t be alone.
God never places us in a tempting situation where we are FORCED to sin. He promises we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear. Part of this process is seeking wisdom from God, and thinking of God-honoring solutions to get us through.
Deuteronomy 8:2 “You shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.”
I Corinthians 6:18-19; I Corinthians 6:23-24 “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” vs. 23-24 “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.”
I Corinthians 10:12-13 “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”
We still have at few each day! But, because the foundation has been laid, they are easier to work through than before.
The Young Peacemaker is a powerful system that parents and teachers can use to teach children how to prevent and resolve conflict in a constructive and biblically faithful manner.
